Anything You Can Do, I Can Do Dumber

So, our friends Pacman Jones and Tank Johnson, as you all know very well by now, are retarded. Can anyone imagine being asked by your employer, forgetting how much money is at stake for these two, to avoid committing any crimes for a few months or you'll be fired--and not being able to last 2 weeks?

Well, as they're locked in a mortal battle for title of World's Biggest Moron, the hits keep coming. Tank was driving under the influence of Listerine or something (what's "impaired to the slightest degree" mean?) and officially wore out his welcome as a part of the Chicago Bears. Pac, on the other hand, is being sued by the bouncer whose ankle he bit, in what is obviously only the first of thousands of civil suits that will be waged against him in his life.

We never understand it when professional athletes get arrested for stuff like DUI and weapons or drug possession (or dog-fighting...). Those are charges that just seem to be so avoidable to us. If you are drunk, Tank, pay someone in the bar $500 to drive you home. Order a taxi. Hire a limo. There just seem to be way too many ways to avoid something like that. We know you're strapped for cash after your suspension and release, but come on. And can't Pac pay someone else to yell "I'm gonna smoke these fools"? Or pay someone to hang out with several people who are armed and shoot for fun? Or how about just pay for the strippers to come to your house? They have those services now, you know. Just a thought.