Draft Talk

Brian Windhorst has some last minute news on this evening's NBA draft, as it relates to the Cavs. We tend to put the likelihood of the Cavs actually pulling the trigger on getting a pick at more like 30/70, but let's not split hairs.

As for the player talk, we like Jared Dudley. Although we'd like to see more of a shot to get higher into the first round. We're ACC fans, and can say, unlike the professional sports writer composing the article, that we have watched a bit of Dudley and we like his game. He's got that ever-elusive "mid-range" game, and he's a high energy, scrapper type of guy. Not sure if he fits what the Cavs need, but he's a talent. Plus, John "the GZA" Hollinger's numbers make Dudley look pretty solid. We've always been fans of Professor Hollinger's work, except for the fact that he makes us feel like drooling morons.

(Thanks to Luke for the show on the Hollinger stuff.)

So Pretty

There he is ladies and gentleman, then next great one. For all the hype surrounding Mr. Oden, we believe people still do not grasp his overall athleticism. The kid is insanely quick up into the air and has great timing to boot. He will be an instant impact on the boards and the defensive end, and we think he will show flashes on the offensive end that will be unexpected to most. Half a season in the Big Ten with one hand, his off hand, has made Oden adapt his game. He has a bread and butter jump hook with his right hand that is only slightly (thanks to the injury last year) trailed by his left hand. Also he will clean up on the boards getting himself plenty of garbage point. We are looking for a line of about 13, 11.5 and 2.25 as a rookie, helping the Blazer's compete for a playoff spot in the stacked West. But much of the value associated with this kid will not show up in the stat line. He will give his team all sorts of confidence on the defensive end that will translate to all other aspects of the game.

We know all of this is not a huge shock, and we are not going all that far out on a limb claiming that Oden is the next great one, but we are convinced completely that as the JailBlazer's with the number one pick in this draft there was not even a second of uncertainty as to who you take. That is not to say that Durant will not be a perennial all-star/scoring champ, but this lovely grill you are staring at right now is going to win championships. Look for LeBron-Oden (where ever they are playing and Bron better be in C-town) NBA finals for many years to come.

The Perils of Selling to a Ninny

Let's just say we were skeptical at the time of the sex appeal that bringing Usher into the Cavaliers' ownership group brought with it. Then he came up with that retarded crossing C's, lean/rock with it deal, sitting right at courtside, and all of our worst fears were confirmed. At least Jay-Z looks like he might have balled at some point. Usher looks like he was on the equestrian team, and shoots a set shot from his hip with a little left leg kick as he releases the ball. Come on, Dan Gilbert.

Well, it's all coming full circle, as the worst article we've ever read reports (sort of near the bottom) that there's potentially been a rift between Usher and LeBron (they did stop playing "Yeah!" on the jumbotron, which is weird b/c the play every other annyoing hip hop song 14 times a game at full volume). We can't imagine the circumstances that would lead to a LeBron/Usher feud (Usher trying to coach LBJ on his free throws?), but we love the possibilities.

Anyway, we know how this would end. LeBron would military press Usher, then forcibly eject him from the Gund, and return his ownership stake in straight cash, homey. Let that burn, Ush.

Greetings, Earthlings...

Now that's a face made for radio, isn't it? John Clayton really stepped in a golden pile of shit when he got himself in the center of the NFL information universe, and has since become arguably the best source in the league. Despite the fact that he's employed by the evil empire (ESPN). Move over, Mort; get to work on that comb-over, Len Pasquarelli...

This week, John's giving us some non-information on our loveable Grandpa Romeo and the Brownies, among other things. We guess the point is that Romeo, as far as everyone on the planet is concerned, is resting his copious buttocks on a hotsie-totsie seat. Sounds like there's no argument about that now. In response to the can-Romeo-win question, Clayton lays out several of the question areas the Browns are struggling with, and leaves us with no conclusion. Nice.

We'll give it a shot: No. Romeo will not last through the season.

Did I Forget the Butter?

Nothing new or insightful to say here, we just thought that this was a really funny picture of The King. Wreath on his dome (a wreath?), that whack-ass medal dangling, and the almost-audible fart noise emanating from his mouth. Seriously, what the hell was he doing there? Could he be any less interested in what's happening around him in this shot? Do we think he peed on the wreath on the way out of the arena?

Our best guess as to his thoughts at this moment: You know what would be tight...putting a barber shop AND a craps table in my new join in Bath...

Kelly Shoppach: Super Genius

Once more, we are reminded of the magic of the Indians' legendary summer of 1995 by this 2007 edition. Great home record, amazing comeback wins on pinch-hit homers, sluggers hunting down insolent kids on Halloween in their F-350s...wait, maybe not so much the last one. But the excitement and quality of play from this year's squad harkens back to the mid-90s, even if the attendance doesn't. 17,000 people showed face last night? That's pathetic. Maybe if Travis Hafner changed his first name to LeBron things would be different... We've lived in Cleveland, and we can pretty well assure you, dear reader, that there's not a ton else to do on a Tuesday night in June away from going to a Tribe game.

Oh, and Eric Wedge's complete refusal to use the sacrifice bunt (or manufacture runs) drives us almost as insane and Mike Hargrove's torrid love affair with the diarrhea twins: Eric Plunk and Assenmacher, Paul in that '95 campaign. The parallels are frightening.

But, uh, congrats to Kelly Shoppach. Too bad you're riding pine behind the AL's best catcher, but keep it up.

Pronk

For our first contribution to the search we thought it was appropriate to give a shout out to the big fella, Pronk. The man mashes and we absolutely respect that, but even more, the guy is all business out there. So much so, that in an effort to just get it done, it was rumored that he asked the league if he could rid himself of those cumbersome sleeves you see there under his cut off jersey and just go suns out guns out. Now if that is not a guy who you want in the middle of your line-up we are not sure who is. Imagine if he was out there, guns blazing, flexing all over the place and just dropping bombs, or lacing two-run game tying gappers (see last night's 9th inning). The appropriately named, farmer's tan on that guy would be classic the first couple times he unleashed the pipes. All in all, this guy in an MVP type hitter and never complains at all. It will probably come down to signing him or CC (before he bolts to the left coast, as was noted previously on the search), and I would have to say that I am comfortable leaving this masher in the middle of the line-up for a long time. Grady gets on, Pronk brings him home...we like the way that sounds.

Definitely At Least Partially About the Benjamins

And maybe partly about the parties, strippers and club scene in Vegas. We've got this sneaking suspicion that our boy, and you know how much we love him, LeBron might not be participating in the FIBA America's Tournament if it were going to be in, say, Kansas City. But you never know.

LeBron ends months of speculation (that's been stoked by the 26 remaining people who care about pro hoops) about his Team USA status for this summer by saying he'll be there to honor his commitment to help the team qualify for 2008's Beijing (that's China) Olympic Games. We understand (though sparingly practice) the concept of honoring commitments, we understand that as a captain LeBron is in a particularly unique situation, and we understand the desire to suit up with what is shaping up to be a sick squad. But let's not play around, the $$ associated with being in China as a global spokesman for Nike and Coke, and the chance to spend a few weeks kicking it in Vegas, well, those sound pretty enticing to us, too.

Mostly, though, as Cavs fans, we wish he would take the summer off. His play at the World Champs last summer CLEARLY affected his level of energy and quality of play in the first half of this season--as noted by the entire national basketball media--and he definitely, as evidenced in the Finals, has some things to work on. Like practice work. Not catching alley-oops on Haiti. Take a rest, chill out, work on the game, and come back for a ridiculous season.

Let's just hope they get the damn job done, and that LeBron enjoys doing unto some unsuspecting Trinidadian & Tobaggan as he did unto 'Sheed.

And, once more, this squad is SICK.

Shopping Around

The Cavs are definitely going to need some help this offseason, some upgrades and depth, and are going to have to get creative in seeking that out. As we've noted, the LeBrons have virtually no cap space and zero (0) draft picks available to them this year, in a tribute to atrocious management that only the Cavs could put together.

So, we're glad to hear Danny Ferry is open to all the options as it relates to the draft. We have no idea about price tags for draft picks...we didn't really know a team could just out-and-out purchase another team's picks, but we'd guess $3mm will get a team into the lottery. In our humble opinion, if the draft gets into the 10-15 range and either Conley or Acie Law (or both) are still available, the Cavs have got to be all over the phones. We're not sure Conley gets past the Hawks at 11, and we don't really think the Hawks will sell that pick if they have a shot at Conley there. Even if the Cavs throw in an autographed LeBron jersey with the $3mm. We love Law, and would be psyched to see the Cavs drop step into the draft and grab him.

Let's not get nuts, though. Ferry isn't exactly inspiring a lot of confidence as a "team builder" in the national press. We think we understand, though, since we, too, hate Hughes, Jones and Marshall.

Anything You Can Do, I Can Do Dumber

So, our friends Pacman Jones and Tank Johnson, as you all know very well by now, are retarded. Can anyone imagine being asked by your employer, forgetting how much money is at stake for these two, to avoid committing any crimes for a few months or you'll be fired--and not being able to last 2 weeks?

Well, as they're locked in a mortal battle for title of World's Biggest Moron, the hits keep coming. Tank was driving under the influence of Listerine or something (what's "impaired to the slightest degree" mean?) and officially wore out his welcome as a part of the Chicago Bears. Pac, on the other hand, is being sued by the bouncer whose ankle he bit, in what is obviously only the first of thousands of civil suits that will be waged against him in his life.

We never understand it when professional athletes get arrested for stuff like DUI and weapons or drug possession (or dog-fighting...). Those are charges that just seem to be so avoidable to us. If you are drunk, Tank, pay someone in the bar $500 to drive you home. Order a taxi. Hire a limo. There just seem to be way too many ways to avoid something like that. We know you're strapped for cash after your suspension and release, but come on. And can't Pac pay someone else to yell "I'm gonna smoke these fools"? Or pay someone to hang out with several people who are armed and shoot for fun? Or how about just pay for the strippers to come to your house? They have those services now, you know. Just a thought.

Now THAT'S Reality

This is just really friggin funny.




(Thanks to Tuck for the look on this one.)

Center of Attention

With all due respect to the Kandi Man, we think that Greg Oden is a big deal. We are not alone in that thought. However, we have one burning question: have people forgotten about a young man by the name of Shaquille O'Neal? The press on Oden is that he is without question the biggest, baddest center prospect since Patrick Ewing, with whom Oden graduated high school, ironically. It just seems to us that the undisputed most dominant basketball force since the '60s (and maybe ever) was a pretty big deal coming out of his institution of higher learning, yet he isn't even in this discussion of Oden comparisons. We're Ohio people, we love Greg Oden--we're just sayin'.

More Good News

So, we're not going to have any rookies on the Browns' roster this year, we guess. Even the Super Scout himself is living somewhere far south of optimistic about the chances of getting either Thomas or Quinn into training camp on time, and the fact that Romeo has been seen cupping Easy E (Wright)'s balls in between reps does the organization no favors as far as getting his agent on the same page (Wright and Thomas share an agent...sweet).

We'd been intrigued to this point by the lack of coverage of Thomas' negotiations; obviously, all the press had been dedicated to Quinn's impending holdout, so JT was flying a bit below the radar. How psyched is Thomas to have Quinn to do the Teen Vogue covers so JT can focus on snagging Walleye on the Great Lakes? We're big Joe Thomas people.

In any case, all of this BS brings back to mind, as this time of year always does, the NFL's need for a rookie wage scale. We understand the issues surrounding NFL contracts, lack of guarantees being the biggest, but it seems to us there's got to be a remedy for that in rookie contracts. Getting rookies into camp on time seems to be more important in the NFL than any other professional league, as far as we're concerned, and teams are entitled to get the most out of their rookies when they're guaranteeing $20mm+. So, model after the NBA, base the guarantees off of the same draft slot from the previous year, make rookie contracts 4 years in duration, with a mutual option for a 5th year, and give the rooks a chance to earn that big second contract (and big guarantee) quicker. We're not that smart, though.

Red or Blue Pill

Alright, we just came up with a vision of the future for the Cavs (well, away from LeBron, who is obviously the entire future), and that future wears #31. Follow us, on a stroll down...uh...future lane (?):

LeBron is under contract (not counting his option year) for three (3) more seasons. Unfortunately, for the next two (2) years, the Titanic contracts of Donyell Marshall, Amon Ones (plays no D and has no J), and Eric Snow are weighing down the SS LeBron and essentially handcuff the organization from making any serious moves to improve--saying nothing of the MENSA deals Ferry made to lock up Hughes and Z until the return of the Messiah. So, for the next two (2) years, we have to hope LeBron keeps himself interested enough to win an MVP or 2 and keep going back to the Finals.

However, coincident with Marshall, Ones and Snow skating off to Shady Acres and taking over the AARP leadership (and taking almost $18mm with them), Shawn "The Matrix" Marion will be an unrestricted free agent. That's right, in the summer of '09 (you have to take the long view as a Cleveland sports fan), Matrix will hit the market, unfettered, and, we think, looking to move out of Phoenix. At the end of '08/'09 Nash will be 35 and headed toward retirement, and the Marion/Stoudemire (who hate each other, apparently) alpha-dog struggle will be approaching nuclear status. Our bet is that Phoenix will be rebuilding around Stoudemire, and Marion won't want any part of STAT's squad.

What better running mate could LBJ have than Marion at that point? A guy who does everything on the floor, and has been one of the better players in the NBA for the last 3 years. We love it, now go make it happen Danny.

This Should Put Us Over the Top (?)

The Washington Post is reporting that the Cavs are likely to offer F/C Andray Blatche like $4mm per for 5 years when free agency opens up:

Meantime, according to a league source, the Nets and Cavaliers are prepared to offer five-year contracts with a first-year salary of around $4 million to Wizards restricted free agent forward Andray Blatche when the free agency period opens July 1.

We must admit, even though we watch a lot of the NBA and watched almost every second of the Cavs/Wiz playoff series this year, we have little to no information on Andray Blatche. $20mm+ sounds like a lot for a guy who, in 2 years, has averaged 10 minutes, 3 points and 2 boards, but in Ferry we (only kind of) trust. The Cavs essentially only have the mid-level exception to offer to non-Cav free agents, so expect a lot of talk about people of Blatche's substantial reputation. However, he's 21, he's 6-11, athletic, and the Cavs certainly need to get some youth behind Z in the frontcourt. We just hope this doesn't get Varejao thinking he's worth $10mm per if a scrub like Blatche gets $4mm.

(P.S. Doesn't "Blatche" sound like slang for a dump or something? Like when you're hungover and you crush the porcelain you'd tell your buddies: "Man, I just dropped a major Blatche in there..." Maybe we're off.)

On Break From "I'm Gonna Git You Sucka, Part 2"

Jim Brown, Cleveland legend, has some thoughts about the current status of the Browns. We sort of picture Brown out watching on the practice field, and when he sees something he doesn't like he beats the shit out of everyone within shouting distance--and no one says a word. It sounds like he hasn't had occasion to whip a lot of butt so far this spring/summer, though, which is a good thing. We love the picture alongside the article. What do you imagine JB and Randy Lerner are talking about there? Soccer? The Rumble in the Jungle? We think JB's telling a story about taking down a starlet between the locker room and the field at the Stadium in 1963 before a Steelers game, or something similarly awesome. The guy was such a bad ass it hurts.

Musings on Flaxseed Oil

We don't want to get too serious on you, here, but we've got something on our mind and need to get it out there:

Whether it was forced or not, we'd like to cautiously commend Jason Giambi for becoming the first active player to agree to speak with the Mitchell commission--the most toothless commission in the history of commissions. The reason we're cautious is that we worry this will turn into a mea culpa for Giambi with no probative value whatsoever relating to the game's ongoing fight against illegal drugs.

In any case, we view this as a potentially seminal moment in modern baseball history, and look at Giambi as a candidate for the Curt Flood role of this era. Flood, as we all know, was the guy who essentially sacrificed his career in order to secure the free agency rights that have taken care of so many generations of so many families (and Ferrari dealers) for ballplayers who have come after him. Free agency has, obviously, made life better for baseball players, and we happen to think it's made the game more fun for fans, as well.

With steroids playing the role of "issue of the generation", Giambi, or someone like him, is in a position to make a similarly meaningful difference by contributing to the efforts to clean up a still filthy game. While we understand that Flood merely had to sacrifice himself, and Giambi faces the tougher task of implicating others, we still hope Giambi takes this opportunity to set a positive example. He's set up to substantially improve the game for players and fans alike, which we would think of as the paramount concern.

Well, we've grown tired of consulting our thesaurus, so we'll stop there. Let's just say we hope Giambi takes advantage of this opportunity to help repair the image of the game that he (and we) loves so much and that has done so much for him and his family. It'll take guts, for sure, but history will certainly look back on him favorably.

Sorry for the serious turn. We'll try not to let it happen again.

Tell Us More, Mr. Science

Some really hard-hitting stuff from Paul Hoynes, the PD's Indians beat reporter, in today's edition. Apparently, Casey Blake grew a beard around the time his 26-game hitting streak began, and now that the streak has ended...the beard is still there!!! Has anyone called Homeland Security? We're a little bit freaked out, and tend to think this is a portent of the apocalypse.

Good tip on the value of the beard for hunting, though. We have lots of problems with the glare off of our faces in the middle of the woods. Oh, and Casey snacking on sushi AND tuna fish? Couldn't tuna fish be sort of assumed to be captured by the "sushi" snack? Hoynesie has always been a detail man.

There's actually some pretty good Tribe stuff in Pluto's latest at the ABJ, but he must have taken a visit to the dummy den at the PD for an idea on the column structure. A Q&A with yourself? That sounds like a Bud Shaw masterpiece. We think we'd have preferrred an actual Q&A with Shapiro, but we guess this does the trick. Let's just say we're very disappointed that the Tribe seem to be putting the Andy Marte project on hold, b/c he sucks so bad. Oh, and we wish Jeremy Sowers all the luck in the world with his particle physics thesis...we figure that's what's got him distracted on the mound and has him getting touched in AAA.

Hardworking Town

Some Browns tidbits from around the interweb:

Svelte? No.

On the hot seat? Yeah, you might say that. Although, some people apparently think that's unfair. While we agree that it isn't Romeo's fault that some Browns have gotten injured and that the cupboard was relatively bare when he arrived (he may have eaten the last of the cookies and bon bons), in the NFL everyone's got excuses, and we tend to think that some of the suck the Browns have endured in Romeo's tenure is due to Romeo's coaching. Call us crazy.



Derek Anderson, he of the cannon-arm, is apparently making a pretty serious push to be the Browns' #1 quarterback. We tend to think he's the guy, but far be it from us to make such decisions. Although, beating out Chaz Frye and a held-out BQ is sort of like Drew Gooden rebounding on a couple of Ewoks.

Couple of other good tidbits about Jamal Lewis running well, Jerome Harrison (whom we like) getting reps, and Eric Wright potentially starting, too.


Oh, and a pretty good read on Chud. Everyone's favorite Toledan. We tend to think it would be difficult to play tight end in division 1 without feeling in one of your hands, but that's just us.

It's Important to Retain Franklin

The handsome man with the belly at left is none other than Carsten Charles Sabathia, the undisputed ace of the Cleveland Indians and, dare we say, the front runner for the starting slot on the American League All-Star Team. Last night he won his league-leading 10th game, but needed more help than he has lately, which the Erie Warriors more than happily provided. It's only fair that the offense come through a bit for their most well-proportioned hurler, as he'd come away from two recent 9-inning starts with a grand total of 1 run of support. And that coming from Franklin Guttierez...obviously. CC's finally coming through as the baller we've expected him to be for the last 4 seasons.

We're worried, though, that double-C (you may remember, he asked us to call him that since we're such close homeys) is not long for the Great Lakes Region. After next season, CC is a free agent, and looks likely to blow away Barry Zito's $126mm deal from this past offseason. We're anticipating the Angels, a home-state squad with money for days, will make it rain (without the stripper-punching that accompanies Pacman's rain making) all over CC--it may take more than $87,000 though. With Pronk facing free agency at the same time, we tend to think the Tribe will not pony up for CC, and will instead reserve their ducats for Project Donkey. Especially with Adam Miller up and coming and Fausto Carmona dealing, the pitching appears to be a position of strength.

So, we're curious, dear readers, what your thoughts are? We say, though we dig CC, it's been nice knowing you

Still an Ohio Hero a Decade After Everyone Else Forgot His Name

You have to love Ohio's obsession with football, we certainly do. If you have success on a big stage for an Ohio football team, well, you get your pick of lakefront property in Sandusky for life... Additionally, you have to wonder how deadly quiet the Plain Dealer's sports department meeting room was after the question "what sorts of feature columns should we go with once the Cavs are done" and before the answer "how about we catch up with Joe Germaine" was offered. We think this will be a frontrunner in the 2007 "what was the slowest day in sports" contest.

In any case, we get up to date on Joey G's latest exploits as a member of the Utah Blaze of the AFL courtesy of the PD. 100+ TDs? Are we playing a Techmo Bowl season? Also, Joe, don't flatter yourself, we tend to think successful NFL players would find an Arena game pretty easy, pal.

On Golden Pond

Hey, there are other Cleveland sports to be discussed as we reemerge from our Cavs-induced hangover.

We're committed to another kind of search here in the Search: for a veteran QB to help teach Brady Quinn how to play NFL football. Allegedly, Fat Weis prepped BQ for everything the NFL has to offer, but we'd rather see someone who hasn't had his stomach stapled and has actually received a live snap from center since his senior year in high school tutor Brady in these formative NFL years. Sorry, Romeo.

Let us just say, though, that we'd have no problem seeing Quinn start on day 1 if he's the best QB in camp. We've got no problem with that. However, we recognize a rising tide amongst Browns fans looking for a "vet" to allow BQ a year to sit, so we're willing to help. Quinn is not Tim Couch, fellow fans, and the Browns are a very different organization than in 1999, but we understand.

So, what about Mark Brunell?

The Redskins will carry three quarterbacks into the season and keep one other for the practice squad, which means six quarterbacks are fighting for four positions. Campbell is the starter and either Brunell or Collins likely will be the top reserve. A source close to the matter said Redskins officials have indicated the team will not keep both Brunell, 36, and Collins, 35, on the active roster.

In Chud's new "precision" offense, Brunell's accuracy might be an asset, no? The line is supposed to be good, and Jamal Lewis sounds like he's ready to run like the cops are chasing him again. Brunell has had success, is a smart guy, and isn't looking for many more years out of those legs. I like the fit--now the Redskins just have to cut him.

Step 1: Acceptance

We've had a difficult time here in the Search coming to terms with the fact that the Cavs got completely butt-rammed by the Spurs on national TV in the Finals. And while only 14 or so other people watched this debacle, we were still pretty embarassed. Nonetheless, we're going to give a go at debriefing what's been bouncing around our head the past week. This is going to be long...bear with us.

LeBron has taken a bit of a beating in the national media for "under-performing", which is outrageously unfair considering the epic (lack of) talent surrounding him. Donyell Marshall, Hopalong Hughes, and, quite frankly, Boobie and Z should be ashamed of their performances over the 4 games. Also, Mike Brown was outclassed in so many senses of the word that it's become impossible to keep track. The Cavs, obviously, are going to give Brown an extension, which we find to be amusing having watched almost every one of the 102 games the Cavs competed in this year. Let's just say, Ted Stepien would've been underwhelmed by potato-head's offensive strategy.

LeBron had no chance with the supporting cast he was stuck with, so let's pat him on the back for carrying so much dead weight all the way to the Finals, as opposed to beating him for being unable to overcome a constant quintuple-team at the hands of the best defensive team in the NBA. The fact of the matter is that LeBron did as he always does--make the right basketball play, find the open guy when he was trapped--and the rest of the Cavs' ass clowns came through to the tune of 36% shooting from the floor. We certainly don't mean to imply that the Cavs could have, should have, or would have (in the absence of a complete overhaul of the roster) won this Finals--all credit due to the Spurs, who are a dynasty--but it didn't have to be this way.

One of the criticisms we've seen a lot in the media since the close of the series centers around the idea that the Cavs are the worst finalist in recent NBA history (since the '59 Lakers, we hear), or that the Cavs had no business being in the Finals in the first place. Allow us first to say that the '99 Knicks were by so far worse than this Cavs team that it's laughable. The leaders of those Knicks were Heimlich Sprewell and Allan Houston. Enough said. On the second point, ESPN's Sports Guy has been especially outspoken, which is really asinine. The NBA Finals (or World Series, or Super Bowl, or Stanley Cup) have never been about pitting the 2 best teams in the league against one another, in truth. If putting the best two teams up against one another were the goal, then you wouldn't have divisions or conferences, and instead we'd live in an all-BCS sports championship world (God help us).

Were the Colts and Bears the 2 best teams in the NFL last year? Probably not. Maybe the Colts were, but there were 3 other AFC teams that were better than the Bears. Were the Cardinals the best team in baseball? They wouldn't even have made the playoffs in the AL, and yet they're the defending champs and everyone was thrilled when they won. No one's calling for those leagues to revamp their championship rounds, are they? The fact of the matter is that the East is down, yeah, but at no point were the Cavs any lower than top-3 in the East, which makes them every bit a deserving participant in the Finals. They got hot at the right time (see: Cardinals), and had the best player in the league playing sick ball. That's a recipe for the Finals in my view. Hell, the Spurs probably weren't even one of the 2 best regular season teams in the NBA! Those spots had to go to the Mavs and Suns. If we want the championships to be solely about pitting the 2 best teams in the league against one another (and can we even really say for sure who those 2 are? What if the Cavs win 67 games in a weak East next year b/c LeBron is amazing...are they better than 3 60-win West teams?), then there's no point to the playoffs at all. If the system is going to be refigured, fine, but let's hold off on saying the Cavs had "no business" playing in the Finals.

The other thing we wanted to be sure to mention is that the Spurs are, without question, a dynasty. Undoubtedly, if you watched the Finals coverage you heard Michael "The Sage" Wilbon go on about the Spurs' lack of back-to-back titles, which means they are not a dynasty. That's probably one of the more retarded things Wilbon's ever said, which is saying something b/c he's said some retarded stuff. The Spurs have won 4 of 9 rings, that is pure, unadulterated dynastic domination. Who cares about back to back? What difference does that make? This is by far and away the dominant franchise of the last decade, and anytime you dominate an entire decade, you have to be considered a dynasty. Are the 94-95 Rockets a dynasty and this Spurs team isn't?

So, bottom line, the Cavs have little to be ashamed about in losing to this great Spurs team. It's a dynasty, featuring the greatest power forward of all time (who also happens to be a top-10 player of all time), plays legendary defense, and has vast amounts of championship experience. The Cavs were there way ahead of time, and while we would have liked to see a better effort out of the troops, this whole experience has been generally positive, and the rest of the NBA should fear for their lives with LeBron on the prowl.

We're Back

Very sorry for the hiatus, kids, but we're back now. We had a small case of the Irish flu for about 7 days, as a result of the Cavaliers' disastrous turn on the national stage in the NBA Finals. Following that week-long descent into darkness, we're back, and ready to resume the hunt for justice--and positive results for Cleveland sports teams. Thanks to the Juice for talking us back into this, and we can't wait for "Multiple Murders With Knives" to come out this summer.

Game 4. Ugh

Welcome to the world, Bryce Maximus James. Congrats to LeBron and Savannah on bringing their second son to the nation's finest city, the diamond-crusted baby sneakers are from us in the Search.

Welcome to a world in which the Cavs are the NBA's second-best team. Welcome to a world in which LeBron, your dad, is rapidly becoming the most dominant force in basketball. Welcome to a world in which people still care more about Paris Hilton's jail stint than watching your dad in the NBA Finals. Welcome to a world that David Stern is about to overtake in a Hamas-style coup to create an NBA-tatorship.

Tonight, LBJ will play inspired ball to welcome Bryce, and Cleveland will experience its first ever NBA Finals win.

Cavs: 92
Spurs: 81

LeBron: 28 (11 of 21 shooting), 7 rebounds, 11 assists
Z: 15, 11
Sasha: 14
Gibson: 14

Duncan: 21, 16
Parker: 16, 6 TOs
Ginobili: 9 points

Game 3. Do or Die

Cavs 87
Spurs 84

LeBron - 26, 8 boards, 10 assists
Boobie (starting) - 17 points

Duncan - 27, 14
Parker - 18 points, 5 TOs

Those Damn Skinny Lefties

It seems pretty clear to us that CC Sabathia needs to share some of his pound cake with chocolate sauce with the other lefty starters on the team. Cliff Lee and Jeremy Sowers suddenly suck, and we're convinced it's because they're too damn skinny. Neither of them gets the fastball much over 90, which is no doubt a result of their lack of appreciation for cheesecake.

We're glad that Sowers is headed out of the rotation and back to Buffalo where he can devour some classics and go back to work on his physics thesis. Let's just hope he figures out how to stop being bad at pitching, too. As for Lee, let's just hope he can find his 2005 form sometime soon.

Last, we continue to be impressed by CC's performance, and we feel bad that he can't get any help when Lee and Sowers get a bunch of runs. We think CC has to figure prominently in the AL Cy Young talk, and hope he starts platooning with Jason Michaels until David Dellucci turns his bat right-side up when he comes to the plate.

Afterwards, Marty Burns Checked into Rehab

Jim Paxson, the well-gelled gentleman you see at left, is now a "consultant" for baby brother John in the Chicago Bulls organization, but Marty Burns at cnnsi.com seems to think Jim is the cat's meow, at least as far as this Cavs Finals team is concerned.

While Burns is right in crediting Paxson for dumping Shawn Kemp (with a huge assist from Wayne Embry working the phones), he conveniently leaves out such brain busters as drafting DeSagana Diop, Dajuan Wagner, Luke Jackson, and Trajan Langdon in THE LOTTERY. He whiffed on the opportunity to sing Paxson's praises for trading a lottery pick for the legendary Jiri Welsch, and as he fluffs Paxson for recovering from the Boozer fiasco he conveniently leaves out that Paxson created the situation in the first place! That's 4 major acquisitions who are currently out of the NBA. Impressive.

This is not meant to pile on Jim Paxson, who has been through tough personal times since he left the Cavs. He is actually a pretty nice guy, we've had the chance to meet him and he ain't so bad. The fact of the matter, though, is that Paxson is widely regarded as one of the least capable GM's not named Matt Millen in recent sports memory. His "due" is very limited as it relates to this team's success, so Marty Burns...what the hell are you talking about?

Clevelanders know the score when it comes to Paxson, we just don't want to see others outside Cleveland pumping him when he doesn't deserve pumping. I guess this is what it comes to when you suck so bad through 2 games. Coming up with incidental stories...

(Thanks to Mike for turning us onto this blockbuster)

That Sucked

Hindsight is, of course, 20/20...but we feel as though we had pretty clear foresight when the brilliant Coach Brown elected to sit LeBron at the 9:05 mark of the first quarter last evening. At the time, we said, "ok, maybe try to steal a minute or three" by sitting LeBron after he picked up his second (silly) foul, but let's not let this thing get out of control. Upon his departure from the game, the Cavs were down 7-4; exactly 90 seconds later, at the 7:35 mark, Tony Parker hit yet another layup to put the Spurs up 16-6, at which time we rose quickly off the couch and screamed "get him back in!" at the television. Somehow, Coach Mike was unable to hear us, and elected to leave the only chance the Cavs have at keeping this series close cooling his royal heels on the bench for the entire balance of the quarter. Game 2 officially ended in quarter 1. Which is awesome in a 4 quarter game.

LeBron's mere 15 minutes in the first half lead to what we sure must have been the worst half of basketball ever played in the NBA Finals. We haven't seen every NBA final, nor have we watched every quarter of every Finals game since we became basketball fans, but that does not discourage us in our evaluation. In addition to putting up an impressive 33 points, the Cavs shot 10-of-18 from the FT line and surrendered 57% of the Spurs field goal attempts. Good on ya, Cavs. We just can't imagine a worse combination of execution and strategy.

The 4th-quarter comeback, which saw a 29-point lead whittled to 8 with 3:30 remaining, was nice and all, but it's probably going to work against the Cavs in Game 3 as Pop and the Spurs will want to put a Johnnie Morton-style beating on the unsuspecting Cavs to remind everyone who is the daddy in the NBA. The comeback also highlighted the Cavs remarkably low basketball IQ, when they cut the lead to 8 (with 3:30 left), forced a turnover, and Donyell Marshall and Damon Jones engaged in a breakdance fight to the death to see who could launch the worse 3 in a quicker fashion. Great strategy and poise there, ass clowns. Jones missed, obviously, and the game was over.

This series just gets worse. The Cavs were awful, and that Guttural Gang who do interpretive grunts to great Finals scenes from the past at commercial breaks (who the shit saw them and thought "NBA Finals"? Anyway we could arrange for a fire bomb in that ridiculous studio where they do their act?) took "bad" to new levels. ABC's coverage is pretty much abysmal all the way around (Tony and Eva's wedding plans at halftime?), and the Cavs' play makes it that much harder to watch. Let's hope we find some hope prior to tomorrow's prediction. Which promises to be woefully off.

Game 2. Let's Try This Again.

It is going to take a major LeBron/Boobie love-fest, like the one at right, tonight for the Cavs to pull off what appears to be an increasingly large upset--winning a game in the Finals in San Antonio. The more time we've had to reflect on Thursday's Game 1, the more we realized that the Cavs were really overmatched, and that the Spurs are actually very, very good. Oh, and Mike Brown sucks ass.

However, we are emboldened by what LeBron has showed us in the past, and that is his ability to come back from a sub-par game with a new strategy and aggressiveness to beat whatever defenses were thrown at him in said sub-par game (for further discussion on particle physics, check back later). We're also holding out hope that Mike Brown is just psyching us out with the whole "Larry's still gonna play a bunch" stance, and that the second-most dangerous offensive weapon on the Cavs, Boobie, plays, we don't know, more than half the game? We don't think we're asking too much.

While the Spurs were good in Game 1, we're going to invoke a partial "Pistons rebuttal" for the Cavs' performance: they didn't play that well. If the Pistons can bitch about their underperformance for 6 full games, the Cavs are allowed one, no? The Spurs are really friggin good, and certainly contributed to the Cavs poor play, but we really thought it was an ugly performance for the Cavs, and we're confident they'll bounce back for Game 2.

Anyway, what we're here for: Spurs 88, Cavs 81. LeBron will have a much better game, like 24 points, 7 rebounds, 8 assists. And, we feel pretty sure he'll shoot better than 30%. Duncan will be surgical again, 24 and 12, but LeBron's going to cover Parker a lot and hold him to under 20. Sasha: 18; Boobie: 14; Varejao: 10 and 10. Better performance, but still not enough to take one from these Spurs. They'll feel good going home, though, and be ready to take Game 3.

We Were Glued to "So You Think You Can Dance"

HUGE night on "Dance"...so we aren't surprised that last night's game was watched by LeBron's girlfriend back in Cleveland and us--and no one else. Plus, who could stomach missing Jeff Foxworthy's stylings on "Smarter Than A 5th Grader."

Honestly, we're surprised by the record-low ratings. While the Spurs will never be confused for a major media draw (even though they are the great dynasty of the decade), we would have thought The King making his Finals debut would have been newsworthy in at least Akron AND Canton. But, perhaps we're the only ones who plan on naming each of our children--one boy, one girl--LeBron.

We guess Drew Gooden's duckbill doesn't play in as many places as we'd thought. The Juice watched, we know that...it's not like he can get into restaurants or anything.

It's Not Like Getting Head, But...

Our favorite Indians draft choice of the last few years was definitely Stephen Head, out of Mississippi St. He's torn up the low minors, but we've kind of lost track of him.

We don't pretend to know much about college baseball, but NAIA college baseball leaves us without so much as the ability to grunt intelligently. This guy Mills sounds like he can hit and like he was a bit of a steal at 13. Way to go, Shapiro.

At Least the Spurs Scored 85...

Well, our first crack at a game-by-game prediction went, how should we say, into the shitter. The Spurs scored 85, which we'd like to remind you we called, but the Cavs fell woefully short of our 91, and the King...uh...the King went a different direction than we'd thought he might. To try to make us feel slightly better, Sasha went for 13 after we'd said 14. Man are we smart.

In any case, we thought we'd put a little debrief onto paper (html?). We spent an inordinate amount of the game on our feet yelling at the television while our girlfriend huddled in fear in a corner, so our judgements may be slightly clouded. Bear with us:

- Breen, Van Gundy and Mark Jackson. In a word: Boo. Are you kidding me? These guys have as much chemistry as the Donald and Rosie O'Donnell. Breen, who we usually like, was way off his game, not doubt due to the heaps of horrible jokes the boneheads surrounding him were making. And can we please assassinate all of the sideline reporters in the world. Stu Scott reported at halftime that Mike Brown told LeBron to keep being aggressive. Thanks, Einstein.

- As we mentioned in our Prognostication post, LeBron needs to get the ball in places where he is set up to succeed. Mike Brown and the offensive Funky Bunch did not seem to agree with us. Until he scored on that layup in the third quarter coming off of a screen (without the ball) on the right block, he didn't get the rock inside the three-point line or on his way toward the basket once all night. We don't care how much Bruce Bowen pushes, LeBron has to post up. Period. Draw Duncan over, draw a double, shoot over Bowen and draw a foul, this was ridiculous. The pick-and-roll for LeBron did not work once all night. As the (horrible) annoucers pointed out, it brought another defender into Bron's face 25 feet from the basket and forced him backwards or into a bad pass. Good strategy by the Spurs, horrible strategy by the Cavs. This happened in the Pistons series, LeBron took Game 1 (and 2) to get a lay of the land, figure out the defense, but shooting 16 times in the first game of his first Finals is not enough. He has to shoot at least 20 times, regardless of how poorly he's shooting, to give us a chance.

- LeBron should guard Tony Parker. The whole time. I'd even be ok seeing Boobie get a shot at him. The game ended in the first quarter when Parker sliced the Cavs defense into thin sheets of doo doo. After LeBron switched onto Parker, I'm not sure I remember him getting an easy layup--he had 9 easy layups for the game. While the defense played relatively well overall, Parker crushed the Cavs. Manu hitting fall away threes with the clock going to 0 didn't help much, either.

- Props to Larry Hughes for trying to gut it out, but get him off the floor. He's a liability. Everywhere. His jacks have so little chance of going that he looks like he's shooting with the wrong hand, and he couldn't defend us on that foot. Gibson has to be on the floor. Parker made Hughes his tool in the early going, leading him around on a leash before finally stuffing a ball gag in Larry's mouth. Interesting stats from John Hollinger on espn.com that scream for Mike Brown to give Boobie more tick. The on-court +/- (per 48 minutes) for Hughes was -18; for Boobie it was +5. Can't put it any simpler than that.

- The Cavs have redefined the bounds of atrocious offense in the Mike Brown era. There are times when it looks like Brown's calling CYO plays, with no offense intended toward the CYO coaches of the world. Last night was the worst we've ever seen it. By far. Granted, the Spurs played good defense, but give me a break. The number of times LeBron stood in a corner while Larry Hughes pounded the air out of the ball looking for Drew Gooden to free up 22 feet from the rim was staggering. They didn't run a single play in the first half, and the result was 35 points. Is that a joke? 49 points through 3 quarters? What's more, they played scared. We counted at least a half a dozen times when Cavs were headed toward the rim and had relatively open 10 footers and decided to pass. Duncan can block shots, we know, but the Cavs acted like Bill Russell, 'Zo, Robinson and Duncan were guarding the rim. Attack. Go hard, try to create some havoc out there. Draw fouls, get to the line. Also, as mentioned above, Gibson has to be on the floor. He's the only one who can shoot and will shoot with confidence. Sasha disappears too often, though he played pretty well, too.

- Defensively, after 2 full years of getting smoked by the pick-and-roll, can the Cavs please figure out a way to address that brand new, high tech offensive stratagem? How many layups/dunks did Parker/Duncan put down off of the screen and roll? We love Z, but he's way too slow to stick with Duncan out to 18 feet. The Spurs corn holed the Cavs defending the pick and roll, what seems to be the major malfunction for the Cavs?

Ultimately, given that the Cavs didn't even know what sport they were playing until about 8 minutes to go in the first half, they played hard. We thought it was a pretty good effort to bring the final score back to 9 after being down 18 in the 4th quarter, when we definitely would have emptied the bench. There's still a lot of basketball left to be played, but we definitely worried a bit last night. We knew Mike Brown was overmatched going into last night, but we didn't actually think it was this bad.

LeBron needs to get angry, and get a little selfish. As much as the basketball world smokes his pole for his all-court game and his unselfishness, he's got to take it upon himself to win a game or 2 here.

Tonight It Begins. Game 1

Cavs 91
Spurs 85

LeBron gets straight FUNKY with 31, 11 rebounds and 12 assists. He sends an early message to Bruce Bowen that this series is going to be hell for Bruce.

Sasha plays well, 14 points and solid defense. Z has 13, 11, and Gooden makes things difficult for Duncan.

The Spurs are a little rusty from the week off, and the Cavs catch them sleeping for the only time all series.

Prepare The Bust

For Cooperstown, that is.

Just who does Fausto Carmona think he is? You were supposed to be buried for your career after the Tribe brass submarined you and threw you into the bullpen last year for the most disastrous closing stint in MLB history. Who said it was ok for you to be the best pitcher on the squad this year, huh?

Fausto is going to have to join big C.C. on the All-Star team this year...anything less would be an insult. Torii Hunter says he's virtually unhittable (even with two "i's"...we'll be here all week). Victor Martinez says he's never caught anyone like Fausto. We love it. Send Jeremy Sowers back to math camp, for all we care.

Go 'Dores

We're big Vandy fans here in the Search, and we thought it was worth mentioning that the Devil Rays made LHP David Price the first pick in this year's MLB draft. Somehow, the ESPN family thought is was a good idea to televise this year's proceedings, though we noticed that "Arm Wrestling" took the top slot on the worldwide leader, while the draft was on "other" ESPNs.

Draft coverage.

Art. That's All We Can Call It

This is fucking awesome.

Prognosticating...

Our mind is a very, very complicated organism. Sorting through all of the pain that's been associated with living and breathing Cleveland sports lo these many years makes rising from bed a herculean task most days. Add to that the daily requirements of feeding, cleaning, and interacting with others? Well, let's just say we're constantly out of breath. And forget remembering important dates...ahh, no chance.

However, one of the topics about which our mind is free from all clutter is the Cleveland Basketball Cavaliers. Our memories are crisp, our passion is true, and our observations are almost always dean-on-balls accurate. To wit, we called the Eastern Conference Championship for the Cavs as early as March. Please hold your applause.

So, with that as background, we bring you the much anticipated NBA Finals prediction, Brentwood-style. We know you've been waiting with baited breath, well, grab a Mento and dig in. (First, though, don't you dare take this away from us, ODOT. If you do, well, go ahead and move to Pittsburgh). Without further delay:

Cleveland/San Antonio NBA Finals:
On the face of it, this looks like a one-sided matchup (as most "experts" have noted, see previous posts) heavily in favor of the more experienced Spurs. We understand how it is easy to reach that conclusion. The Spurs are nothing short of a dynasty, and Tim Duncan is quietly putting together one of the great NBA careers of all time. Going for 4 rings in 10 years? Are you kidding me? That is amazing stuff. And it's all Duncan. If he's not the best power forward of all time, I'm not sure who is.

However, the Cavs have been underestimated at every turn, which is now especially dangerous given the high level that LeBron has attained in his game. He has shown himself capable of winning a game (or two) all on his own against tough defensive teams, in ultra-clutch settings. We think you can bet on him being the best player on the floor most of this series, which is a huge chip in basketball.

This matchup pits 2 of the 3 best players in the NBA against one another, and each one is playing at an all-time level; the drama is high. While few give the Cavs much of a chance to make this interesting, the confidence with which LeBron is playing, and, more importantly, the confidence he's instilled in the rest of the squad, should make the Cavs a much tougher out than Bomani Jones would have you believe.

Matchups:
PG: Hughes-Parker. Edge to Spurs
SG: Sasha-Finley. Slight edge to Spurs
SF: LeBron-Bowen. Big edge to the Cavs.
PF: DGood-Duncan. Big edge to Spurs.
C: Z-Oberto. Edge to Cavs.
Bench: Edge to Spurs. Manu is an all-star.
Coach: Edge to Spurs. Pop is MB's daddy.

Spurs:
- Offense: Tony Parker and Manu must take advantage of their superior speed and athleticism on the perimeter and attack the middle of the Cavs' defense. Hughes is hurt, Sasha has defensive lapses, they should force the action on the Cavs. TD needs to (and will) tool any single teams he sees, force doubles, and get the ball to the Spurs' bombers, who have hit threes at the highest rate in the playoffs.
- Defense: Contain LeBron. Pretty simple, really. Bruce Bowen can't do it on his own--hell, nobody can--but he's got to make LeBron work to get the ball, and wait for the copious amounts of help likely to come his way. Dare the other Cavs to beat you, force them to hit shots. No one else can dribble on the Cavs; if you get physical with them (not LeBron), they lose focus and panic, so expect a few tackles early.
- Coach: Popovich has an offense, and he taught Mike Brown defense. Good for Spurs, bad for Cavs.

Cavs:
- Offense: Have to be disciplined and get everyone involved on each possession. LeBron will be the guy, obviously, but the rest of the team has to be active on screens, cutting, attacking the tin, taking open shots with confidence--no standing around. Post up whoever is being guarded by Parker (Sasha or Larry). Hope Gibson is hitting. LeBron has to be aggressive, try to get Ducan in foul trouble. If there is much "random offense" or LeBron pounding the ball 28 feet from the rim with 6 seconds left on the shot clock, things will not be going well for the wine and gold. Get 23 the ball in positions where he can be successful (ie, the post).
- Defense: Use all of the big guys' fouls in guarding Duncan. Between Z, D-Good, Marshall and Varejao (leaving out Scot Pollard), you've got 24 fouls a game. Use them. Make Duncan work for his points, he's no good on the line, anyways. Ginobili and Parker are a lot like the Pistons' guards in that they whine and don't like to be crowded. Harass them on the ball, make them give it up, and make it hard for them to get it back. Close out on Finley and Bowen, they shoot 46% from downtown, but only shoot 3's (60% of attempts). Don't guard Oberto (even though he's shooting 66% in the playoffs), cheat off of him for help on penetration and on Duncan.
- Coach: For the love of God, Mike, run an offense. LeBron will be amazing, but he has to get some help from you. Don't let Pop make you his bitch.

Alright, not our most objective work. We know a lot more (and care a lot more) about the Cavs, and, quite frankly, the Cavs need more to go their way. Maybe a little too much. The Cavs will make us proud, but Spurs in 7. It breaks my heart to say so.

Waiting for Brady

It sounds like Brady Quinn has backed away from his "I want to be in camp on time" stance, and is putting his agent, Tom Condon, on the hook for whatever goes down. Berea is bracing for a doozy, in any case. Meantime, Brady's snuggling with Fat Weis in South Bend. In light of the fact that Brady may not be in camp on time, which would totally shut him down from any PT as a rookie (Romeo doesn't like rookies, anyways), does it make sense for the Browns to go after the newly expendable Daunte Culpepper?

We've never been big Culpepper fans here in the Search, but a vet who can get the ball to KW2 and Edwards might not be so bad to bring into the mix. Historically, he's been a pretty accurate passer, and he's got experience dealing with egos (read: assholes) like KW2 and Edwards from his Moss days. The word is he's a big-time leader, and is dying to show that his success early in his career wasn't strictly Randy-related. On that basis, he doesn't sound like a terrible gamble. Not to mention, everyone and their mother is looking for a veteran mentor for Brady--we seem to think 'Pep fills that part.

On the other hand, his knee is a huge question, obviously. Like the Browns need to deal with another knee problem. Plus, there's NO WAY we'd be ok with a $5.5mm commitment to him. We don't know if that precludes a trade--could we restructure the contract as a part of a trade?--but it sounds as though he's headed for release, so why not wait for that? If the other options are Derek Anderson and Charlie Frye, we'd sign off on throwing 'Pep into the competition.

LeBron James, Baller

Considering the Conference Finals were broadcast primarily on the Versus Network, we're sort of surprised at all the hype surrounding the upcoming NBA Finals...it's probably due to everyone's favorite city, Cleveland, making an appearance. Or maybe it's this LeBron James character. The New York Times is officially our favorite paper after printing 1,200 LeBron James is a deity articles over the last 4 days, and we very much appreciate the perspective with which they approach LeBrizzle's abilities.

Everyone wants to paint him as Michael, or Magic, or Larry (he can't touch Larry's mullet or 'stache, sorry), but he's just LeBron. Sure, there are elements of a lot of other players' games, but as much as Kobe tries to pattern himself after Michael (down to the womanizing and hatred of his sniveling teammates), LeBron has established his own identity as a player, and, well, he seems to be doing just fine with that. Oh, and we're embarassed to say we'd forgotten about the "King James Playbook" commercials with Bernie Mac, but once the Times mentioned those, we remembered our affinity for them. Please join us in this trip down memory lane. Look at you, innocent LeBron...

In other Cavs news, Mike Brown is looking at an extension after the season, and we're hopeful there will be stipulations in said extension encouraging the running of offensive plays and sets. Sure, Mike, we love the random offense; and getting LeBron the ball 26 feet from the hoop with 7 seconds on the shot clock is an automatic 2, but for the love of cheese, can we do better? Maybe a million dollars per set play...we're not good with money. Does LeBron own stock in Mike's contract?

Semi-Finals? More Like Smokey-Finals!

While it's virtually impossible to tell from either of these pictures, each of these impressive young women plays tennis for a living, and rather well at that. Maria Sharapova (left, like you didn't know that) and Ana Ivanovic (right) will be matching wits in one of tomorrow's Ladies' Semifinals at the French Open, in a match that we can only hope goes to 99-97 in the third set. We're glad to see women's tennis is as healthy as it's ever been. In a funny twist, two shreks are meeting in the other semi, making this the true smoke bowl of this year's installment of the French.

Let's be perfectly honest here: who cares if there are any Americans left playing when we can watch these two in the hopes, however slim, that there's a disputed line call and the whole things devolves into an internationally televised tickle fight...

Good luck, ladies, we love you...

Nostradamus you are not

So, the "experts" are weighing in w/ some predictions, and we thought you'd be interested to hear what the conventional wisdom is on The Finals

cnnsi.com essentially averages out to Spurs in 5.5. Although, we would like to ask Jack McCallum if we, too, can use his private pet name, 'Bronnie, for LeBron. Creepy. Also, Chris Mannix shows his chops by saying Bowen matches up better on 'Bronnie than Tayshaun. Go back to sleep, Chris. Plus they bring in a scout who wants to have Bowen's babies (Spurs in 5), and Marty Burns gives us some position thoughts, conspicuously leaving out any discussion of the Rusty Trombone...

Scouts, Inc. on espn.com goes through a very long, and very pointless, position matchup, and, amazingly, manages to say nothing about how they think those matchups will play out. Contain Parker, force LeBron to shoot j's, use depth to bother Duncan...no shit, guys. They say, finally, Spurs in 6. Meanwhile, Bomani Jones makes us want to go Gene Upshaw on him, when he suggests that the Cavs are the worst Finalist ever.

sportsline.com think that the pressure on LBJ is absurd, and that his Titos and Jermaines just can't get it done. Appreciate the nod to the weight of the world on LeBron's shoulders, but Spurs in 5 gets you a kick in the pants from the Search.

Holy Holy Holy

Reading about the new Nike-LeBron "Witness" ad campaign to be launched for The Finals gets us all antsy in the crotchal region. We had a friend, who is from Cleveland and has been in Cleveland more than once over the past couple of years, ask us, "what does 'Witness' mean?" after the ECF ended. He was immediately struck down by lightning, and then we kicked him in the head for good measure.

We thought the backlash from his "Global Icon" statement a few months back was over the top (many took his answer out of context; that was his response to what he hopes to achieve AWAY FROM basketball), but who knew that he had a plan to become that icon by June. The NBA, and the whole world of NBA fans (pop: 71), are on ecstasy over his getting to The Finals, especially to avoid a rerun of Spurs/Detroit.

By the way, where in the fuck (sorry for the language, but it seems appropriate for this case) did the PD get that picture for the story linked above? That's the best you could do? A picture of some senior citizen's hairy armpit and 3 other chumps in the WHITE Witness shirts in an empty arena? You get those guys straight off of Ontario? Really great shot Franco (the person credited with the photo), you're giving Annie Leibovitz a run for her money. Douche.

They Haven't Banned Twinkies

He may not be able to wash it down with an ice-cold Boggs, but C.C. Sabathia, one of our favorites, may still harness the strength of processed sugars to fuel his run at the AL Cy Young. This evening, C.C. delivered arguably his most dominant performance of the season: CG, 5 hits, 0 ER, 0 BB, 8 K's against the juggernaut that is the Kansas City Royals. Franklin Guttierez provided the offense, obviously, and the rest is history. We love to see Indian-killer Mike Sweeney shining C.C. like a new trophy, too.


We've been saying for years that double-C (that's what his friends call him) needed to address the mental part of the pitching game to really become dominant--no more trying to throw 4,000 mph after giving up a hit. It seemed like that clicked in the second half of last season, when he was a top-3 AL pitcher, and we were excited to see his efforts this year. 9-1 is a good start, we think, but we're not in baseball. Most importantly, the Tribe is 12-1 when C.C. starts this year. Little Debbie's on us, C.C.

A note on the Boggs link above: thanks to Tuck for the look on that one. How great is that story? Could anyone have predicted Sorrento would take it up to 70 from Nelson's ridiculous estimate? Does Sorrento maintain his amazing jheri-curl mullet to this day? Can I start calling beers "Boggses" too? So many questions, so few readers... We can only imagine that Grant Nairn would be pissed to see that someone's made a run at his single-sitting title (inside joke, sorry).

Learn This

It's getting a little bit old to keep reading about how the Cavs over-celebrated after winning Saturday night, and that they should prepare to embrace the learning experience that will be the ass whipping they receive from the Spurs. Granted, we understand writers are hedging their bets by giving the Cavs enough respect to say they'll win a game or 2, but that's just lip service.

A couple of things that we think here: first, eff off of the over-celebration story. The City of Cleveland hasn't had a sports story to celebrate since 1997's AL Championship. Give us a break. The fans were juiced, the players got juiced. Rightfully so. Confetti and cheering means they're content with whatever happens from here? Second, LeBron is not interested in a learning experience. These guys are coming hard, they're here to win. Sure they were happy about winning the East, but that's not enough. They want, lead by LeBron, to bring home all the hardware. As we've said before, don't underestimate having the best player on the floor.

Well, We Pooped Our Pants

"Where I am right now, it's scary," quoth Ray Lewis, in a new espn.com article. We are, indeed, scared. Even though we've never come in contact with Ray Lewis, we're kind of nervous a lot of the time that he might sneak up from behind and pilfer our trachea, Roadhouse-style.

It's our hunch that Ray Lewis proclaiming himself scary is bad news for the rest of the NFL, and for fools who act up in night clubs in Atlanta. This is certainly one of the best linebackers ever to play the game, and unquestionably the best obstructor of justice ever to lace 'em up, and he feels like he's in the best shape of his career? That's trouble. We can only hope that Jamal Lewis' best shape of his career is good enough to run RayRay over. Otherwise, we're scared Jamal's head will go on Ray's wall next to Kevan Barlow's.

A few of our favorite nuggets from the story: who, in the name of God, is Ray's wrestling partner, and does he get hazard pay? He's sleeping 10-14 hours a night (cool?), what was keeping him from sleeping that much before? We think joining with the Juice to form a crimesolving task force. Finally, we love that his mom is involved in regular talks about his weight lifting and training. Somehow, we just can't picture ever saying the words, "so, Mom, we squat cleaned 280 today"...

Dawg Pound

Pretty good stuff out of the The Orange and Brown Report, most of it concerning the offensive line:

1. Joe Thomas, your man mountain
2. Kind of non-news out of LeChuck Bently, but it's an update

We're sort of surprised LCB put off the surgery, but let's be honest: if the guy ever sees the field again it'll be gravy. If only he'd torn BOTH patellar tendons he'd be well on the way to recovery. Seriously, Baxter thinks he'll play this year. Wow.

Don't Buy Endicott Steel With Those Spurs Winnings Just Yet

Spurs fans, surely you remember the LeBron's-sac-flavored breath mint that Fundamental got in November, but just in case, here's a refresher.

We've been saying since Saturday night that the Cavs match up well with the Spurs and certainly have a puncher's chance in these Finals. Being that we are not particularly smart or articulate, allow us to point you to our friend Henry Abbott's initial thoughts on the series at TrueHoop, and his analysis of the 2 games that the Spurs and Cavs played this year. (note: we've never met Henry Abbott, he knows not of us, but he likes LeBron, says nice things about the Cavs, and gives the wine and gold a chance--hence, he is now going in our Fave 5)

Granted, 2 games in late '06 don't mean a whole hell of a lot in the Finals, but he's onto something about this LeBron guy, and we've thought all along the Cavs have more of a chance against the Spurs than any of the other top Western Conference teams. Z and Gooden ought to keep Duncan away from the rim when the Cavs have the ball, and Bruce Bowen should get himself owned with the way LeBron is playing. Remember, the Cavs had the best record in the East against West teams this year. Plus, they have the best player on the court, who is playing at a monumental level.

Stay tuned for our actual prediction soon...